10 Things I Learned Watching Saint Sinner
10. Walking out of a police station when you are a murder suspect is a breeze.
9. Never stick your fingers into a statue of naked women.
8. If you are going to murder someone do it on a Ferris wheel. No one will notice there.
7. Never trust a movie that starts with a naked man in a field.
6. Guys will jump in bed with women right away irregardless of the facts that they look
like they have been dead for days and have lower voices than the average man.
5. CGI effects can make something bad look even worse.
4. If your movie sucks make sure to put a well-known name before it in the title to
3. When you look like a homeless person and you bump into someone, that person
won’t be repulsed, but rather they will ask you if you want a ride somewhere.
2. The word succubi makes me giggle for some reason.
1. The ugly person always makes the attractive person grenade for them.
Saint Sinner follows the adventure of Tomas Alcala, a monk in 1815 who doesn’t quite fit into the brotherhood. He prefers to lay virtually naked in fields of green while trying to look down the local women’s shirts. One day while breaking into the repository where all the important artifacts are held, Tomas and his friend manage to release two succubi (Muncar and Nakir) that have been trapped for years. The two evil women then go through a portal that takes them to the 21st century but not without managing to knock off Tomas’ buddy. Riddled with guilt Tomas agrees that he should also travel through time and be the one to stop the two before they can wreak havoc on mankind. Armed with only a dagger, Tomas heads out on his journey. However this is no ordinary dagger. It can not only kill them but it always show him where they are by acting like the spinning board in Twister. Once in modern times, Tomas befriends police officer Rachel Dressler and the two team up to take out the evil she-bitches.
Let me start by saying I like Clive Barker. I go out of my way to read his books because he has one of the best imaginations out there. His stories are never dull and full of vivid imagery. I can see his influence on this story and I have a feeling if he wrote this story as a book it would be interesting, but this movie flat out sucks. Sorry to be so blunt but the story makes little sense. It is easy enough to follow but the plot holes are so big and so often it is insulting. You get no background on Muncar and Nakir and you have no idea what their goal is. They are working on this plan and we have clue what it is. There is a whole pregnancy subplot that just left me scratching my head. Everything is just very rushed. With Barker having such elaborate stories I can’t believe his idea was this flawed.
Joshua Butler directs and he shows some promise. There are plenty of decent visual shots but at some point he has to take blame for the horrendous acting. I just don’t understand how they expect us to believe that these two succubi could seduce anything. Usually a succubus is an attractive female that seduces a man and then later is shown as its real self. Here they both look like junkies looking for a fix (which they kind of are), but why would someone just jump in bed with them? The leads are as boring as them come and I for one didn’t really care what happened to them. I just didn’t believe Tomas’ transformation but doubting monk to ass-kicking servant of God. Rachel is equally dull. She has issues with the death of her father but hell if we get much story behind that other than she feels somewhat responsible. She is far too trusting of Tomas much too quickly. If anything I was cheering for the evil side to win. At least they were more interesting.
The one thing that was decent in this film was the effects. The visual effects and makeup effects are top-notch (minus the horrendous CGI effects). This is most likely where most of the budget went and it shows. Surprisingly there is some decent gore, mostly of bodies after the two ladies have had their way with them. But again there are computer effects that just look out of place and cheap. The time travel sequences look exceptionally goofy. The backgrounds are fine but having someone spin around with a dumb look on their face is a waste. And towards the end there is an interesting creature effect but why it is there, who the hell knows?
Bottom line I am glad I taped this and was able to fast forward through commercials because if it took me the full two hours to watch this I am sure I would have liked it even less. It is a shame these days how often people throw their names onto films (especially Wes Craven). Do they really look at the film and see just what it is? Yes, occasionally we get good films like Wishmaster but we also got the awful Carnival of Souls remake. This felt like it was almost a pilot for a series but the way it ended I don’t think it would happen. Maybe some day Barker will write a book or even short story of this that will be a whole lot more interesting. Until now we are stuck with this. At least we don’t have to pay to see it in a theater. 2 out of 10.